Judgment: A Darn Slippery Slope
It’s our judgment that keeps us from being heart-centered and authentic.
How many times per day do you make quick judgments? “This situation is bad” — “This is great” — “Our leaders are useless/fantastic” — or in today’s times, “I don’t get enough exercise”. Truth is: whenever you judge, you’re not authentic and heart-centered, anymore. You’re not speaking or acting from an empowered position, but from a mindset that intends to manipulate the situation at hand.
When I speak about judgment, I don’t mean discernment. Discernment is an observation about a situation that’s usually followed by a choice you make. Judgment is the determination that the situation is a certain way. In COVID terms: a discernment could be the observation that many people lose their lives, maybe followed by your choice to stay at home. Judgment on the other hand is to determine that a situation is _____ (you fill in the blank: terrible, horrible, frustrating etc.). Judgment cannot be truthful because whenever we judge, we speak from a filtered and distorted awareness that is rooted in a decision we made about reality. Whenever we judge, we claim to be the source of truth and that our decision about reality is what’s true.
Put The Rubber On The Road
I’m writing this after a friend asked me how we can keep our hearts open when we work with people who we judge to be narcissistic or covertly aggressive? How do we stay vulnerable and loving, trying to hold the space for turning difficult, frustrating, time-wasting meetings into productive, team-centred, inclusive opportunities for progress when all we want to do is escape or say something destructive out of anger? Anyone familiar with these kinds of situations?
She writes further: “How do we continue to trust that all is well when we feel angry and dis-empowered? When do we stand up for what we believe, and how do we do that in a way which is loving and supportive to all involved, including ourselves? Is there a place for “tough love” or walking away?”
The situation she describes helps to see that whenever we judge a situation, we’re not in our authentic power, anymore. We’re in the passenger seat and the situation determines the experience of your life. You’re not leading, anymore — you’re following. If you judge the situation to be great, you’ll have a positive experience; if you judge it to be bad, you’ll likely have a negative experience.
As you know, theory is easy and practice is a completely different bowl of wax. But here we go: whatever we see “out there” is really a reflection of our existential fear and our issues that we’re projecting onto reality. No situation is “real”. It’s our own stories or opinions that give meaning to everything. Take myself, for example: when I picture myself sitting in a time-wasting meeting with aggressive people, behind my anger and frustration, my existential fear of “not being good enough” is hiding. I could express my outrage or practice “tough love”, yet that would hide what’s really going on inside of me: That if I left the meeting (and the company), for example, my monkey-mind would quickly tell me that I might not get another job, not make enough money, or be rejected by the others. Hence, rather than being truthful to myself, I’d sacrifice my authenticity as I keep quiet or judge the people for being narcissistic idiots — when all the while, authentically, in my heart, I am just afraid.
One Question to Deal with Challenging Situations
A question to ask yourself is this: What would you do if whatever you wanted (from a person or situation) would be available in abundance in your life? Sitting in the meeting with a narcissist, what would you do if you had enough other opportunities or money, so you could just leave the meeting? What would you do with your life if, in the big picture, everything was OK? How would you show up for what you believe? Would you still need to change or influence others? Or would you just do what your heart inspires you to do?
As you ask yourself these questions, you’ll move from a mindset of scarcity (something’s not enough) to abundance. You’ll sense that your motivation changes from “I need to change this person / situation” to “I can make my own choice” — from the need to change the environment (good luck with that) to becoming a neutral witness — centered and able to make empowered choices. Then, you might be able to just let people continue being narcissists, or simply get up and leave the meeting / company / relationship because it doesn’t serve you, anymore. Or you could have a conversation with an individual stating that you haven’t been authentic with them: that you pretended that everything was OK when in fact you had a lot of judgment and fear around the situation — that what you were missing was genuine connection and understanding — and how this could be created together in the future.
Become clear about your rules of the game and notice that whenever you feel frustration, outrage, guilt, or blame, you’re simply reminded of the game you chose to play. Be courageous as you take a stand for your rules-of-the-game. Be self-loving as you accept and appreciate your own needs, without the need for the other person to play along. If they choose to come along — wonderful. If they don’t, maybe it’s time you move on or find other places to get your needs fulfilled. A long time ago, my mentor looked me straight in the eyes and said: “Peter, do you get your needs met in that relationship?” Ultimately, that’s what it comes down to. Can you create relationships with the people around you where everyone gets their needs met?
Imagine a world, organizations, and even your personal relationships where we respect everyone’s needs without the need to judge or change each other — spaces where we simply discontinued supporting those individuals with our time and energy who don’t respect the needs of others. Wouldn’t that be a glimpse of heaven?
Be mindful from which consciousness the information you take in originates. Consider that this article, too, might be complete and utter nonsense 😊.
